1996
From a Russian newspaper:
A LOVE STORY
by Elena Vaitsekhovskaya
translated by Rustam Masitov
"Maybe you must despise the journalists", - I said. "No. Now not any longer. However not so long ago I was ready to kill anyone approaching me with a microphone."
Since after the death of Sergei Grinkov she started to compete in pro championships as a single skater we have met twice. Before that I had spoken to her several times on the phone. Then I came to the American city, Albany, where a competition was held. But when I met her and was searching for a dictaphone Gordeeva, I think, with horror and some despise in her look exhausted rather than said: "No. Please. Let’s talk later." I didn’t hazard to come to her with a request to give me an interview for the second time - I was watching her from the side. And in late December in Innsbruck where a World Pro Championship was held I saw just the same expression in Katya’s eyes when her manager Debby Nast came up with a list of interviews planned. Then I said those words. And the coolness thawed.
"I’m terribly tired." - Katya went on. The interviews were on without any break, a few interviews a day. The questions were alike and sometimes I seemed to lose the perception of reality - I say something not understanding what people want from me. After my book had appeared (the book "My Sergei. A love story" written by Gordeeva with a reporter of "Sports Illustrated" E. Swift was put on sale on November and became the bestseller immediately. - remark of Elena Vaitsechovskaya), I had been sorry that I accepted Swift’s proposal to write it. But at that moment right after Sergei’s death I was in such a frightful condition that I should have spoken out. Swift almost didn’t ask questions. He came every day, turned on the dictaphone and I spoke hours. And now I can’t read it. I think the book turned out to be too personal, too frank. I fear that many people won’t understand such frankness. On the other hand I met people who sincerely thanked me for what I had done. A second draw is being already prepared in the USA. The first one was a little bit over 100.000 books. The Japanese want to publish the book too. As for Russia ... I wouldn’t like it to be published in Russia: I’m afraid that the translation won’t be precise. Furthermore I spoke simple English with E. M. Swift. And much of what he wrote is interesting to Americans but it is hardly to be for Russians.
I have been reading the book presented to me the whole night. And in the last chapter - about Katya’s life without Sergei - I found the answers for the questions I wanted to ask but would be likely never to dare.
[Following translations from some excerpts of "My Sergei". It may differ from the book version, as it was first translated from English into Russian then back into English again - remark of Su-jan Yip]
"...After the burial I have spent only one night in our Moscow apartment. I couldn’t stay there any longer - too many memories were connected with that place. It is unbearable to think of this and this feeling remained until now. Our coach, Marina Zueva, filled my timetable by minutes in order somehow to distract me. I went to museums, exhibitions concerts not understanding what was happening around. I had a feeling of great emptiness that was killing you slowly. Every morning I caught myself thinking that I wanted to fall asleep and never to wake up. I didn’t think of skating. My mom took all matters about Daria and told me once it was worth forgetting about sports. In any way the money we had was enough to live a normal life for about 10 years. Our manager Jay tried to console me, i.e.: the financial side is his problem. By that time a memorial fund had been founded in the USA where money started to come. It was too touching: I never thought that Daria and I were indifferent to various people in America. But still I didn’t want to carry on living. My mother was the first not to endure that state. Once she said rude enough that a daughter needed a healthy and strong mother. Notwithstanding anything. And then suddenly I realized that only skating would be able to get me back to life because all my previous life one could divide into two parts: Seriosha and sports that I started to go in for when I was 4. I wouldn’t have outlived two losses. Then I called Viktor Petrenko to Simsbury and asked him to send my skates to Moscow. He understood everything at once and said I was right and in mid-December almost one month after Seriosha’s death I came to CSKA (the Central Red Army Club).
"I feared to think that I would have to skate sometime alone. At the same time I decided definitely that I wouldn't have another partner. I had offers. But it seemed to me that I wouldn’t be able to touch anyone, let someone take my hand on the ice. Above all I couldn’t help stop thinking that skating alone would be in a way a betrayal to Sergei. At least for the time when I was in mourning. I couldn’t bear all those thoughts and I instinctively went to Father Nikolai who christened me, married us, christened Daria when she was born and who later carried out funeral service... He listened to me and told me: "Don’t be afraid to be happy in your next life. Skate. And if it happens that you meet a close person, bring him to the church and I will bless your marriage."
"Those words comforted me but I didn’t know how naive I was about life and how many difficulties I would have to face for the first time. I recall that when I had already started to practice at the Central Red Army Club I was suggested meet a businessman who as I was explained sponsored several children’s funds and who wanted to give some money for Daria. I met him but when I opened the envelope with money I was terrified by how large the amount was. Of course I called to thank him, then I met him again - he invited me to have a lunch, he said he had been watching our career closely, then he spoke of his relatives in Paris, about investments in France, America, Germany and suddenly asked me what type of a car I would like to have. I treated the question like a joke and having thought answered a "Jaguar". A few days later he called me again and said quite seriously that he had found the one and was ready to purchase it for me. And then I realized that I was getting into something frightful. Of course I joked off but there was another telephone call. This time he offered me to purchase an apartment to me.
I was shocked. I tried to give money back but he didn’t take it back noticing that it was for Daria and not for me. There were other calls from other people. The telephone was ringing without a stop and quite strangers to me told me I needed their support. I felt myself terribly. Even my mother who observed that it was time to start to learn how to live and make decisions alone seemed to be cruel to me. But everything in Russia was already strange and dreadful to me. And I decided to come back to America. Together with Dasha".
"I have been thinking for a long time why the God sent Sergei to me and took him away from me so soon. Maybe in order to let me feel how difficult is life when you stay with it alone? Or how the heart may ache? At the funeral and after many people told me that they couldn’t believe that Sergei wasn’t with us any longer.
I had another feeling. I accepted his death with all my body. Maybe because it happened on my eyes. When he was dying I had a feeling that he was going through me leaving absolute emptiness. And that it is forever..."
It was a sensation when Gordeeva appeared in single competitions among the best pro skaters for the first time. It was humanly quite clear and explanatory when the director of pro competitions, Dick Button, World champion in ‘50s invited her for the first time, largely to support her. Then having lost to everyone (what was not a surprise) Gordeeva said: "I have enough invitations for gala. I’m unlikely to participate in competitions any more". It was also clear: Katya has been only the first for too many years. The best. Although she adhered well. When I asked her over the phone: "How was it?" - Katya with an absolutely flat voice answered: "Well. I finished fourth among 4 skaters. What do you think, is it good?" Among 4 skaters 3 were the Olympic champions of the past. But there was so much pain in Katya’s voice! I don’t know why but I was sincerely happy when I learned that Katya carried on competing.
At her second competition - in that Albany - Gordeeva was ahead of 2 times Olympic champion, Katharina Witt, losing only to the '92 Olympic champion, Kristi Yamaguchi. Then she was ahead of Witt again. In Innsbruck Katya was again ahead of Witt and the World champion, Yuka Sato from Japan. But the most important thing was that by that time there had been no one in the pro sport who wouldn’t understand that Gordeeva’s appearance in pro competitions would make problems to the best pro skaters.
P.S. Sergei would have been 30 on February 4.
the G&G corner - Copyright © Su-jan Yip, September 1996 - 2007